It begins modestly. A few more times than normal, you check the phone to see if they have responded. When they seem far away and have nothing concrete to point to, you feel a little strange. You ask, “Are we okay?” not because something is wrong, but rather because you feel reassured by the question for about an hour before you have to ask it again. None of these things comes across as an issue. By itself, none of them is particularly noteworthy. However, if the pattern is long-standing and consistent enough, something else is going on beneath them. It…
Author: Jack Ward
The client describes a relationship—a friendship, a partner, or a therapeutic dynamic—where nothing is wrong. Therapists report having this conversation with clients from a variety of backgrounds, presenting concerns, and life histories, but arriving at nearly the same moment. No one is speaking up. The other individual is dependable, truthful, and compassionate. However, there’s something strange about it. Not particularly hazardous. It’s difficult to describe how uncomfortable it is. Why does this seem suspicious? Why is calm more unsettling than the drama that preceded it? There is actual discomfort. Additionally, it has a neurological explanation that is entirely related to…
There is a type of fatigue that isn’t related to your activities. It originates from what you’ve kept an eye on, modified, repressed, reframed, and discovered before anyone else did. The person who feels more exhausted after a demanding workday than the number of hours worked should be taken into consideration. The person who, instead of feeling at ease after attending a social gathering, seems more exhausted. The friend who constantly corrects themselves in real time by apologizing before even finishing a sentence. These folks aren’t necessarily putting in more effort than everyone else. They are individuals managing themselves continuously…
Imagine someone sitting in a meeting, appearing calm and nodding at the right times. When it’s their turn, they participate. They don’t seem preoccupied. Beneath the calm exterior, however, their mind is working on four different tracks at once: replaying something that was said twenty minutes ago, anticipating a conversation they’re dreading later, observing the tension across their shoulders, and, somewhere beneath all of that, keeping an eye out to see if any of the internal turmoil is showing on their face. They appear fine. They are definitely not okay. This phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the “swan effect,” is…
Many people will be able to identify a particular moment, even if they haven’t given it a name. A friend inquires about your true well-being. During a challenging week, a partner reaches for your hand. Someone offers to assist you with a task you’ve been handling on your own. And something tightens rather than the relief that these gestures should logically bring. You sidestep. You claim to be alright. You turn down the assistance. Even though the offer was sincere and the need was genuine, you still felt compelled to keep your distance from the other person. Although it is…
Some people have a quiet way of processing information. When something challenging occurs, such as a disagreement at work, a setback, or a persistent frustration, they don’t bring it into the room. They hold off. They take a seat with it. They deal with it on the inside, and by the time they’re with other people, they’re at ease once more. This is frequently referred to as emotional maturity, strength, or poise. And it is, in a way. However, there is a cost associated with it that is mostly unreported, in part because those who bear it are the least…
It’s a good job. The partnership is stable. For once, the money is not a source of anxiety, and the apartment is tidy. Life is functioning in every measurable way. However, it has a flatness to it, a muted quality that is difficult to explain to someone who would logically point to the evidence and ask what the issue is. There’s nothing wrong. It’s all good. And that’s practically the grievance. This experience is more prevalent than it is given credit for, in part. It defies the conventional frameworks for emotional distress, and in part because it is hard to…
There is a particular type of fatigue that lacks a clear cause. Not the exhaustion of a challenging week that ends on Saturday morning. Not the fatigue from sickness that goes away as you get better. It’s more akin to a low-pitched hum of fatigue that has persisted for so long that you’ve forgotten about it, similar to how you lose awareness of traffic noise after a year of living close to a motorway. The body adjusts. It is labeled as normal by the mind. And underneath the performance of doing well, the stress continues to build up silently. Clinicians…